The Newspaper Horoscope (realist version)

ARIES (March 31- April 19). You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hardworking person and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've got a mean streak in your a mile wide.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20). Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will decide to lose weight today just like yesterday.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20). A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch the mail carefully. although there won't be anything good in it today either.

LEO (July 23 - August 22). Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your ability top laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 23). Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today but, unfortunately, you won't be one of them.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18). You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. As a matter of fact, they might get worse. Intensify your relationship with your bank and with any friends you have who might lend you a few buck to tide you over.

andy rooney